Struggling....

I've been away from blogging for what seems like a while.  Because although I don't post daily, I usually am online reading a couple of times per day at least.  For the past couple of weeks, I've only been skimming posts or not reading at all.  So if you've posted and are missing my normal comment - forgive me.  I've really been going through a few things lately...

My most significant ex re-entered my life...and we were working towards friendship.  He constantly spoke about exploring more, but I learned that he had a girlfriend.  One thing I do NOT do is provide an outlet for men to cheat.  Not never, not ever!  I had someone do me so wrong in so many ways, that I'd never want to be the one to do that to someone else, even if I don't know her.  Anyway, he said some things that made me wonder if I should have forgiven him sooner, should allow him back into my life, if he was the one for me etc etc.  I decided to pray about it.  Man, when you need an answer from God, HE SURE gives it to you.  The next day my ex and I were casually talking on the phone and long story short he says he's engaged.  Basically....because I wasn't interested in doing anything over the past 6 months he decided he would go ahead and propose to his girlfriend.  This stunned me into hurt silence.  The impression he gave me was that he was with this woman, but it was not serious and that if I was willing to take him back...he'd be here in a flash.  Its been YEARS since I've talked to him at length.  But I am so happy I prayed about it - because God sure provide me with a clear, definite answer.  Although I was surprised and hurt - I thank God for answering so quickly.  That being said...I'm exhausted from being hurt and the revolving door of relationships.  So of course, this event made me go to the place of wondering if love, marriage and happiness is in my future.  All I can do is continue to pray about it.

This blog is not about my life, but let me just say this...for the short time I've been on this earth, I've been through SO much relationship wise.  People twice my age in marriages are surprised when I share some of my history.  So anytime I end up hurt....AGAIN....it always makes me doubt whether or not I will ever get married.  And I'd love to be one of those women who is like I don't care, if it happens it happens, marriage isn't everything....but the truth is I want marriage and I want kids.  And every time I end up hurt it takes me a long time to get over it and be open to even meeting someone new.  Like I will date casually but the thought of beginning yet another relationship just drains me to even contemplate.  So I feel that each "ending" or whatever just sets me back further.  For goodness' sake, I just started dating regularly again after my last relationship ended - and that was a year ago.  *Sigh*  Okay - enough about that.

School is also not going as smoothly as I would like.  It's hard.  It's difficult.  It's tedious....and seems never-ending.  I just cannot wait to be finished.  The fact that I attend school away from my friends and family makes it worse.  I get homesick, I miss them, I want a hug. 

I HAVE been working out regularly.  But my diet has been terrible!  It's like I just can't seem to get it back under control.  Its not always that I have high-calorie foods, its that I'm not eating 3 meals, or I am eating a lot of high carb foods, or fast food, or no fruits and veggies.  I mean its really bad!!!!  I get a little bit of success and go off the deep end!  I've got to really figure out what it is about my thought process that is causing me to slip so deeply back into my old bad habits.

 Okay....I suppose this is enough of a pity party.  But I have not spoken to anyone about all of this.  I told my BFF about the ex...she provided amazing support.  I tried talking to my mother about school....but that was a fail.  And the diet...well I haven't vented about anyone.  The problem with me is, I never show vulnerability to anyone or weakness.  I've realized this past year that when I am "having a moment" and actually express that I am struggling...nobody knows how to react!  Their response is "Oh Princess....you'll be okay, you're so strong, nothing ever bothers you...."  Sometimes I just need to cry and have someone comfort and encourage me...ya know?

Anyways...I'm sure I'll be back to my old self soon.  I've asked God to please get me through this QUICKLY so that I can continue to do what I need to do to improve my life.  Continue in school, continue to lose weight and eat healthy and continue to have faith that He will provide the desires of my heart.