Thursday, May 13, 2010


I've been away from blogging for what seems like a while.  Because although I don't post daily, I usually am online reading a couple of times per day at least.  For the past couple of weeks, I've only been skimming posts or not reading at all.  So if you've posted and are missing my normal comment - forgive me.  I've really been going through a few things lately...

My most significant ex re-entered my life...and we were working towards friendship.  He constantly spoke about exploring more, but I learned that he had a girlfriend.  One thing I do NOT do is provide an outlet for men to cheat.  Not never, not ever!  I had someone do me so wrong in so many ways, that I'd never want to be the one to do that to someone else, even if I don't know her.  Anyway, he said some things that made me wonder if I should have forgiven him sooner, should allow him back into my life, if he was the one for me etc etc.  I decided to pray about it.  Man, when you need an answer from God, HE SURE gives it to you.  The next day my ex and I were casually talking on the phone and long story short he says he's engaged.  Basically....because I wasn't interested in doing anything over the past 6 months he decided he would go ahead and propose to his girlfriend.  This stunned me into hurt silence.  The impression he gave me was that he was with this woman, but it was not serious and that if I was willing to take him back...he'd be here in a flash.  Its been YEARS since I've talked to him at length.  But I am so happy I prayed about it - because God sure provide me with a clear, definite answer.  Although I was surprised and hurt - I thank God for answering so quickly.  That being said...I'm exhausted from being hurt and the revolving door of relationships.  So of course, this event made me go to the place of wondering if love, marriage and happiness is in my future.  All I can do is continue to pray about it.

This blog is not about my life, but let me just say this...for the short time I've been on this earth, I've been through SO much relationship wise.  People twice my age in marriages are surprised when I share some of my history.  So anytime I end up always makes me doubt whether or not I will ever get married.  And I'd love to be one of those women who is like I don't care, if it happens it happens, marriage isn't everything....but the truth is I want marriage and I want kids.  And every time I end up hurt it takes me a long time to get over it and be open to even meeting someone new.  Like I will date casually but the thought of beginning yet another relationship just drains me to even contemplate.  So I feel that each "ending" or whatever just sets me back further.  For goodness' sake, I just started dating regularly again after my last relationship ended - and that was a year ago.  *Sigh*  Okay - enough about that.

School is also not going as smoothly as I would like.  It's hard.  It's difficult.  It's tedious....and seems never-ending.  I just cannot wait to be finished.  The fact that I attend school away from my friends and family makes it worse.  I get homesick, I miss them, I want a hug. 

I HAVE been working out regularly.  But my diet has been terrible!  It's like I just can't seem to get it back under control.  Its not always that I have high-calorie foods, its that I'm not eating 3 meals, or I am eating a lot of high carb foods, or fast food, or no fruits and veggies.  I mean its really bad!!!!  I get a little bit of success and go off the deep end!  I've got to really figure out what it is about my thought process that is causing me to slip so deeply back into my old bad habits.

 Okay....I suppose this is enough of a pity party.  But I have not spoken to anyone about all of this.  I told my BFF about the ex...she provided amazing support.  I tried talking to my mother about school....but that was a fail.  And the diet...well I haven't vented about anyone.  The problem with me is, I never show vulnerability to anyone or weakness.  I've realized this past year that when I am "having a moment" and actually express that I am struggling...nobody knows how to react!  Their response is "Oh'll be okay, you're so strong, nothing ever bothers you...."  Sometimes I just need to cry and have someone comfort and encourage me...ya know?

Anyways...I'm sure I'll be back to my old self soon.  I've asked God to please get me through this QUICKLY so that I can continue to do what I need to do to improve my life.  Continue in school, continue to lose weight and eat healthy and continue to have faith that He will provide the desires of my heart.


  1. I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling. Relationship pain is something I know all too well... I applaude you for taking time to heal between relationships; even it takes a long time that's better than jumping into something new just to make you feel better temporarily. I tend to hold on the hurts for a long time too, but try to look strong and unphased on the outside. I will definitely pray for you to get through this latest bump quickly. :)

    My eating has been awful lately too. Its like I'm suddenly so busy that I don't have the time to get to the store for real grocery shopping, so when meal time rolls around I'm either in a restaurant or grabbing some ready to eat thing at the grocery store. Its great that you're working out regularly, hopefully that will offset the bad eating. Hang in there!

  2. I'm so sorry, that does sound very ouch. It's fascinating how this former SO kind of puts it on you that he's engaged to someone else. What a head trip, eh? Like relationships are fishing lines and you can put a bunch in the water and see who bites first. He's going to get bitten right back, I predict.

  3. Hey girl. These experiences with men provide just that, experience. Experience that will help you learn how to notice and appreciate the right man when he does come along and guess what... He will! God will give you the desires of your heart but he knows that sometimes we need some fine tuning so that we are ready for the right person when he comes along. I can relate to your experience in school as I am also enduring somebody's crazy idea of a medical curriculum :-). School will have it's ups and downs but vacation is definitely around the corner and I know you will finish strong! It will all come together for you soon just keep your head up and smile!

  4. 1st off…I’m praying for you chick.
    Times get rough but they also get better…..

    Also this blog IS about your life…your life affects your health, your weight and your mental well being. When shit goes wrong with one….it can ALL go haywire.
    So letting it out is a great way to deal with it.

    As far as relationships go…How much time you got?? LOL.
    All the hardships you’ve been through have just been life experience for you. We are young and our lives are just getting started. Marriage and children will be at your door before you know it. Marriage to a man that loves every part of you and children so beautiful you’ll be amazed. These thoughts and dreams will soon be reality. Just stay strong…enjoy life now as you have it…and lets get back on track.

    Lets set ourselves up for our children and family to be. Get ourselves right mentally and physically. So that way whenever hard times come we can pull from the places we’ve already been.


  5. God will provide the desires of your heart if you continue to seek Him. What I have learned is that he is pleased to do that because eventually our desires become His! You can do this. Thanks for sharing your life with us :)

  6. I can tell you, from a woman that has been hurt and devasted by my divorce. Things will get better. I know, I know.. everyone says that but I've lived it. When I found out that my husband of 12 years had been cheating on me for almost 6 years, with a close friend, it almost broke me. I felt like I was losing everything I had, emotionally, mentally and physically. I didn't think I would ever get to a better place. It just seemed like I had a black cloud over my head. Then on top of things I lost my house because he was taking our money (from savings) and taking care of this woman and her 2 kids. I had to start all over from scratch. I didn't even think it was possible to start over. But I knew I had to for not just myself but my son. I'm telling you all this so you can see it is possible to get over the hump and get yourself in a better place. It sounds like You are doing everything that you need to do, to get your life in a good place. Just be patient and keep doing what your doing and you will meet that special man that you can spend the rest of your life with. Don't ever think it isn't possible because it is. Keep your head up girl and keep pushing on. :)

  7. Ditto to everything Melissa said. She is truly speaking from a deep well of wisdom and you are speaking from the intimacy of your heart.

    You shared yourself and that is bravery my friend. Keep your chin up-"You've Come A Long Way Baby!"