Life Happens!

Saturday I was in a fender-bender type of accident.  I was hit on the side of my car while backing out of my parking spot...which startled me and made me panic.  So what did I do?  I hit the gas instead of the brake pedal...and ram past the car to spin into a 3rd car!  *Sigh*  I felt fine afterwards but the next day my neck and back were SOOOOO stiff and sore!  Now, on Saturday...guess where I was on the way to?  Yep, the gym!  Needless to say I didn't make it that day nor Sunday.  Monday I got back to working out but was so sore during and afterwards that I decided to seek a chiropractor's care.  My diagnosis was moderate whiplash with some soft tissue inflammation.  Naturally I asked to see my x-rays and was properly amazed by seeing what my spine looks like photographically.  I could see the whiplash - which of course fasinated me!  Med students can be so corny...I tell ya!  Anyways, I've been seeing him all week and am feeling better.  He said I could continue to work out - although hesitantly, but warned me against doing anything too high impact or that strains my neck/back.  So I've done very limited ab work, no zumba classes (the jumping would get me, I'm sure) and no jumping rope.  But I've been working out EVERY day, but only for 30 minutes.  I am giving myself a pass on weight loss this week due to the stress and interruption of my regular workout schedule.  But, I'm proud that I didn't use this as an excuse to stop exercising altogether.  If you are anything like me, once you stop....its SO difficult to get back going.

Based on the location of the initial impact...it hasn't been determined whether it was my fault or not.  I am praying to receive favor in this situation.  If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, throw a prayer up on my behalf also, please!

I've stopped with the takeout but still haven't gotten back to my regular "schedule" of eating.  My aunt is visiting now (I'm disguising my blogging as studying....don't worry I am gonna study!) and my mother will be here tomorrow for.....my birthday!  YAY!!!!!  I will post some pics from tomorrow....I PROMISE!

Weigh In (week 16) & Thank you!

What a difference a good purging makes!  I feel 85% better about everything.  I am so deeply appreciative for your comments on my last post!  I didn't know if it would seem weird to others or unrelatable but thank you & reading what you had to say really helped!  I will do one short little update - the ex and I spoke one final time and he asked to come visit me.  At this point I calmly say - "our story, volumes 1 through 20 are finished.  No you may not come visit me."  Reaffirmation of God's answer to me - would I want someone who is willing to "visit" (note the quotation marks...I mean really you are gonna travel hundreds of miles to say only hi?!) a woman other than their fiance?!  Absolutely not.  Thank you Jesus!

Now back to our regularly schedule program.  I've been picking it up at the gym!  Dare I say...I am starting to like exercise?  Um...maybe not quite like, but appreciate how it makes me feel and how far I have come fitness wise!  Yesterday I did 30 minutes of intervals on the stair climber and 15 minutes on the treadmill, followed by 15 minutes of ab work.  I relaxed in the sauna afterwards - not without spritzing my hair with conditioner first (of course! lol) and as I left the gym...I felt AMAZING!  Sweaty, funky, stanky - but still so good!

I didn't eat badly yesterday but today I've gotten back to sticking to the meal plan 100%.  I won't hit my 153 goal by Friday...I have to re-evaluate the way I think about my goals.  I think in my head it goes something like this:  Let me set a really high goal and even though I doubt I will reach it...it sounds good to strive towards.  I need to really commit to my goals and realize that I can do it!  And then just go ahead and get it done!  I am still wanting 25 lbs lost by the first day of summer.  So...I am going to get this one.  The Cute as a Bunny, Beach, and personal Birthday challenges were all fails for me....I'M GOING TO GET THIS ONE!

Stats for this week:  Down 0.4 lbs to 160.0 lbs.
Goal for this week 2 lbs.  I've yet to lose 2 lbs in 1 week and its about time I experience that high!

Struggling....

I've been away from blogging for what seems like a while.  Because although I don't post daily, I usually am online reading a couple of times per day at least.  For the past couple of weeks, I've only been skimming posts or not reading at all.  So if you've posted and are missing my normal comment - forgive me.  I've really been going through a few things lately...

My most significant ex re-entered my life...and we were working towards friendship.  He constantly spoke about exploring more, but I learned that he had a girlfriend.  One thing I do NOT do is provide an outlet for men to cheat.  Not never, not ever!  I had someone do me so wrong in so many ways, that I'd never want to be the one to do that to someone else, even if I don't know her.  Anyway, he said some things that made me wonder if I should have forgiven him sooner, should allow him back into my life, if he was the one for me etc etc.  I decided to pray about it.  Man, when you need an answer from God, HE SURE gives it to you.  The next day my ex and I were casually talking on the phone and long story short he says he's engaged.  Basically....because I wasn't interested in doing anything over the past 6 months he decided he would go ahead and propose to his girlfriend.  This stunned me into hurt silence.  The impression he gave me was that he was with this woman, but it was not serious and that if I was willing to take him back...he'd be here in a flash.  Its been YEARS since I've talked to him at length.  But I am so happy I prayed about it - because God sure provide me with a clear, definite answer.  Although I was surprised and hurt - I thank God for answering so quickly.  That being said...I'm exhausted from being hurt and the revolving door of relationships.  So of course, this event made me go to the place of wondering if love, marriage and happiness is in my future.  All I can do is continue to pray about it.

This blog is not about my life, but let me just say this...for the short time I've been on this earth, I've been through SO much relationship wise.  People twice my age in marriages are surprised when I share some of my history.  So anytime I end up hurt....AGAIN....it always makes me doubt whether or not I will ever get married.  And I'd love to be one of those women who is like I don't care, if it happens it happens, marriage isn't everything....but the truth is I want marriage and I want kids.  And every time I end up hurt it takes me a long time to get over it and be open to even meeting someone new.  Like I will date casually but the thought of beginning yet another relationship just drains me to even contemplate.  So I feel that each "ending" or whatever just sets me back further.  For goodness' sake, I just started dating regularly again after my last relationship ended - and that was a year ago.  *Sigh*  Okay - enough about that.

School is also not going as smoothly as I would like.  It's hard.  It's difficult.  It's tedious....and seems never-ending.  I just cannot wait to be finished.  The fact that I attend school away from my friends and family makes it worse.  I get homesick, I miss them, I want a hug. 

I HAVE been working out regularly.  But my diet has been terrible!  It's like I just can't seem to get it back under control.  Its not always that I have high-calorie foods, its that I'm not eating 3 meals, or I am eating a lot of high carb foods, or fast food, or no fruits and veggies.  I mean its really bad!!!!  I get a little bit of success and go off the deep end!  I've got to really figure out what it is about my thought process that is causing me to slip so deeply back into my old bad habits.

 Okay....I suppose this is enough of a pity party.  But I have not spoken to anyone about all of this.  I told my BFF about the ex...she provided amazing support.  I tried talking to my mother about school....but that was a fail.  And the diet...well I haven't vented about anyone.  The problem with me is, I never show vulnerability to anyone or weakness.  I've realized this past year that when I am "having a moment" and actually express that I am struggling...nobody knows how to react!  Their response is "Oh Princess....you'll be okay, you're so strong, nothing ever bothers you...."  Sometimes I just need to cry and have someone comfort and encourage me...ya know?

Anyways...I'm sure I'll be back to my old self soon.  I've asked God to please get me through this QUICKLY so that I can continue to do what I need to do to improve my life.  Continue in school, continue to lose weight and eat healthy and continue to have faith that He will provide the desires of my heart.

Need new workout music?

I've expressed how I need to change up my workouts pretty frequently because I get bored easily.  So one way I do so is adding new music and creating a new playlist for my i-pod.  If you are anything like me, you are constantly saying "Oooh, that's a good workout song!" whenever you hear an upbeat song come on the radio.  So last night I made 2 new playlists and am eager to exercise today and try them out!!!!  Just in case you are also in need of new music I decided to share them...I know Miss Haneefa is always updating her music also.  And sidenote...I can't wait until I get a new phone and can listen to Pandora!!!!

For these playlists....I went back to the 80s and 90s....every time I hear these songs it brings up a memory!!!!

My "New Jack Swing" Playlist: (who didn't love Teddy Riley?????)

1. Candy (Cameo)
2. MotownPhilly (BoyzIIMen)
3. I Wanna Sex You Up (Color Me Badd)
4. My Perogative (Bobby Brown)
5. Don't Be Cruel (Bobby Brown)
6. Word to the Mutha (BellBivDeVoe)
7. B.B.D ((BellBivDeVoe)
8. Poison (BellBivDeVoe)
9. What About Your Friends (TLC)
10. Ain't too Proud to Beg (TLC)
11. Baby Baby Baby (TLC)
12. Iesha (Another Bad Creation)
13. I Like (Guy)
14. Feels Good (Toni Tony Tone)
15. She's Playing Hard to Get (Hi Five)
16. I Want Her (Keith Sweat)
17. Rub You the Right Way (Johnny Gill)
18. Groove Me (Guy)
19. Rump Shaker (Wreckx-n-Effect)
20. Somebody for Me (Heavy D)
21. I Wanna Be Your Man (Zapp) - cooldown/stretch

 My 90's HipHop Playlist:

1. Renee (The Lost Boyz) - warm up
2. Hip Hop Hooray (Naughty By Nauture)
3. All about the Benjamins (Puffy)
4. Let me clear my throat (DJ Clue)
5. Ladidadi (Doug E. Fresh)
6. I Ain't No Joke (Eric B & Rakim)
7. Hypnotize (Notorious B.I.G.)
8. Juicy (Notorious B.I.G.)
9. Woo-hah (Busta Rhymes)
10.  Jump Around (House of Pain)
11. Rollin with Kid n' Play (Kid-n-Play)
12. Ain't my type of Hype (Full Force)
13. The Show (Doug E. Fresh)
14. Rock the Bells (LL Cool J)
15. Money Power Respect (The Lox)
16. Push It (Salt-n-Peppa)
17. You're All I Need (Method Man feat. Mary J. Blige) - cooldown/stretch

Weigh-In (Week 15)

Up 0.6 to 160.4 lbs.  Two things:

1) Its that TOM so I am hoping I am retaining water and
2) My area had a natural disaster.  In the 3 grocery stores by my house there was no meat, dairy, produce, or frozen anything.  I had plenty of meat at home but no veggies, so I have been eating out a lot this week.  And not good stuff either...sorry to report.

I've been exercising...but I realize that the same things are not causing me to gasp for air, be sore, or fatigue me the way they did even just a month ago.  I've got to step up my intensity.  I went swimming yesterday and swam laps.  And let me just say...as fun as it was, I definitely burned some calories because I was gasping for air after each lap!!!! LOL.  Not a great week, but noting to be depressed about either....I am going to 2-a-days this week.  Two of my May goals are to exercise 400 minutes per week and to complete 10 2-a-days.  I'm going to get that crackin' this week!

Is that ME?!

I don't know about you, but whenever I am in the store - and I catch my reflection, I stop and examine.  Now, when I was my heaviest....I would purposely avoid looking at myself.  And its not only with weight.  If I was having a horrible hair day, wasn't wearing any makeup, or my skin decided to regress to my teenage years....I tried not to peek.  However if I caught my reflection, I would stop and reflect.  Now that I've started losing weight, I have been anxious to start seeing the results.  I fit my clothes differently, no question about that.  But do I see visible results....not quite yet.  I see some changes but I haven't lost enough to look in the mirror and say "WOW!" yet.  I figure part of the reason is because my mind hadn't accepted just how heavy I had become, so now that I've lost a little bit, my body is simply at the point that my mind thought I was.  LOL.

However...today I caught my reflection in the security camera at a fast food restaurant (getting a salad).  Normally - no matter what, I am disappointed with the image of myself on those things.  The color does weird things to my skin, it doesn't pick up the shine in my hair, and everyone knows the camera really does add 10 lbs!!!!  Because I am aware of those distortions, I don't even take it to heart. But - when I glanced up today, I said to myself "Oh my gosh - is that me?!"    I looked....thin!  I surreptitiously turned from side to side to make sure what I was seeing was accurate and sure enough - I looked....thin!  Not skinny, not at my goal...but improved, that's for sure!  And I got excited.  It is the first time I really noticed my weight loss aside from the just-out-of-the-shower-bathroom-bright-light scrutinizing that I do every week after my weigh ins!  Then I am usually turning from side to side examining different areas for changes - and sometimes I see them, sometimes I don't.

Today's reflection surprised and pleased me.  I walked out thinking "Yep...that is ME! And we're only going up from here." 

This Weekend: Date, Hair, Nails, & Church!

This wasn't a great weekend for me food wise.  For some odd reason I decided to celebrate my week's victorious loss with....Mexican on Friday.  And I got such a yummy meal. It was orgasmic.  Definitely not something I can have often, it was a tower of meat, tortilla, cheese sauce....but so so so good!   Then Saturday I had Subway for lunch - hello sodium, welcome back.  Then I went on a date that evening...I chose wisely but still...home-cooking is usually safer.  Nevertheless I am back on track...and still plan to lose this week.  No more celebrating until my birthday - at which I should be 153!  (that's the goal anyways....)

I painted my nails in a cheetah print pattern and I love the results.  I went on a date Saturday and wore a pair of large cheetah print earrings, cream blouse, black wide leg pants and cheetah print shoes.  I noticed the outfit fit SO NICELY!  Everything was a medium, but previously the wide leg pants fit nearly like stretch pants over my booty and thighs.  But now, they hang and go straight down, no curvature where they are adjusting to the fat thighs being shoved in them!  I looked very nice if I do say so myself.  Too bad the date was bad terrible!  The guy was SO SELF-ABSORBED!  He talked about himself, practically non-stop (I had to just interject here and there) and didn't ask me a single question.  Not one.  I mean - I talk a lot, trust me.  But if someone asks "Do you have any brothers or sisters?"  and you proceed to talk about each of your siblings in detail, their ages, what they want to be "when they grow up" and even their HAIR (one has dreadlocks like him and the sister just cut hers, toldja he talked a lot, why else would I know all of this already?!) - dontcha think you should at least return the question back to me?!?!?!?!  I mean if nothing else and you are unable to make pleasant convo, simply return the questions you are asked.  Sheesh.  I will not NEVER go out with him again, needless to say...the sad thing is - he will never know his faults.  I think he is one of those types that attracts women so frequently that he never had to develop a nice personality....not sure what his deal is, but I'm not going to be the one to straighten it out.  I kind've got that feeling when I first met him, but decided to go out and give him the benefit of the doubt.  EPIC FAIL.

But here are my nails and earrings, and my hairdo!  I had a flower clip in the side and had kind've a retro-pin up look going on in the front.  SO FREAKIN CUTE!!!!  Don't you love those days when everything is working for you?  Hair is right, skin & makeup glows, outfit is on point....well I had one of those days Saturday.  And even though the date was bad....I still liked getting prettied up.

Church was also very good.  The sermon was about God taking you through something you thought was impossible.  And when He does that for you, be sure to have landmarks and souvenirs so you can look back and remember where He brought you from and so you can testify and witness to others.  This is as the Israelites did with the stones after they crossed the Jordan river (Joshua 4:19-24).  Awesome message....God truly has brought me through many "Jordans" in my life...things I didn't think I could do, and definitely wasn't able to do on my own.

Well - that was my weekend...how was yours?