Love and other 4 Letter words

L.I.K.E. = another 4 letter word.  Ya'll have heard me mention that I have had a tough dating year.  I am contentedly single, but get extremely frustrated with the tom-foolery some men subject "us" too.  And I've had my share of tom-foolery within the last few years.  I mentioned in my last post that one of my girlfriends got engaged, and that weekend was a "couples" thing.  I was the only single person among 5 happy couples:  2 married, 1 engaged and 2 dating.  No....don't feel sorry for me - I had a blast!  I can deeply enjoy being around my "involved" friends, genuinely feel happy for them and enjoy their company to the fullest - which I did, awesome awesome weekend.  Again, I am (was) content.

However, the Monday after my friend's new fiance unknowingly intro'd me to his college buddy.  Long story which I really don't feel like explaining, but to make it short, we met and are in DEEP like!  I'm not trying to avoid using the other, better known four letter word - we're just not there yet.  However I must say this man is positively amazing!  Ya'll know every time I meet someone new I always say I'll keep ya posted.   And none of them have re-surfaced!  lol.  This man will be here for a while!  At the very least, I've made a great new friend, and I'm not all into the "where will we be in 5 years" thing with him, rather I am enjoying each and every single step of my new friendship/dateship!!!  Yi-ti-deeeee Phluffy Princess!

AND we're attempting to do Insanity together (he already did month 1 a while ago with tremendous success), but here is the kicker....we're long distance!  Which of course presents its challenges, but with my school schedule and his career demands, its actually A-okay.  So....I found an Insanity system online (well, my brother did) and we are starting together on November 1st.  Ughhhhhh....wish me luck with it!  Since my "lifestyle change" or re-committment, I've prayed for a partner who would work out with me and understand and support my fitness goals.  My last relationship was with a man who was attempting depserately to gain weight and would force feed me cookies late at night, before that was a man who met me at my adult low (fresh from WW) and did not understand my eating goals/plan.  A couple of my male friends work out all the time, but tell me I look fine and are not interested in doing anything together.  This year I said to Jesus - look, it is important for me to have a partner that I can be physically active with, where we are both committed to living a healthy lifestyle.  Make that number 77 on my "list"!!!! Amen. lol.  Well, God (as always) delivered!  He's a water drinking, long-term healthy lifestyle committed, ex-athlete who has to actively WORK to stay in shape person - just like ME!

Can ya tell I'm on cloud NINE?!?!  

Faked it til I made it!!!!

One of my friends got engaged a couple of weeks ago, and her fiance had her 2 closest friends come into town "to visit" so we would be there for her day.  I had an amazing weekend!  I love that couple, they are truly inspirational.  They have kept God first in their relationship with each and every step - even remaining completely celibate the entire 3 years of their courtship!  UH-MAZE-ING, right?!  Anywhoooo, I thought that I was allowing myself to "splurge" all weekend but on Sunday at a soul food restaurant I realized OMG I faked it til I made it!  I am talking about this proverbial "lifestyle change" of which we dieters always speak!  As the waitress rounded the table collecting orders, I realized every single person ordered something fried - catfish, whiting, chicken - except me.  And the funny thing is I never even considered, looked at or was tempted by the fried items!  Splurging for me equated to pot roast as opposed to the baked chicken!!!!  I couldn't believe it!  There was a time that NOT ordering fried chicken at a soul food place would have been the hardest decision of my life because although I virtually never fry foods at home, I do enjoy them!  Also....I ordered 2 veggies as my sides, cabbage and green beans!  No rice, mashed or sweet potatoes or mac & cheese, and again to my complete shock - those things weren't a "struggle" to avoid!  I actually ordered what I wanted to have, yet it was a healthy choice and took no coaxing into!  I sat and reflected on my other food choices: water (no soda), little to no snack food despite being offered every few minutes, and lots of fruit and veggies!  WOW - WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?!?!  I am not where I want to be, but gosh-dogg-on-it I am pretty freakin' impressed with myself!

Also, some friends noticed I had lost weight and toned up since our last in-person visit and some hadn't seen me since the last 20 lb weight gain (estimation) so they didn't notice a loss per se - but everyone exclaimed WOW PP, YOU LOOK GREAT!  Which made me feel amazing, especially considering my weight loss has virtually stalled since May!  However, a sistah is maintaining and continuing to keep striving!  I wore some size 10 skinny jeans which felt amazingly comfortable and looked HOTT if I do say so myself - check it out:

Now I normally HATE being shot from below - I was standing and the picture taker was sitting on the couch, but even with the universally unflattering angle, I am pretty freakin pleased with how I look!

I also wore a dress that was too small last year but fits super well now - sorry no pics though! :-(  Also....the hair is the sew-in that I mentioned a few posts ago.

Also, the school money stuff has been resolved....God bless and continue to keep my wonderful family.  You know how people say they are my backbone?  Well, mine are my vertebrae, intervertebral ligaments, ribs....heck my entire connective system.....my spinal cord even!  All I provide is the brain (intelligence to actually get thru school) - and THAT is a gift from God!  So the credit is not mine!  That is a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders.

I'm a little under the weather right now, but more on other stuff in a separate post! 

Stress - I guess there is an "up" side?

Hello Friends!
I am going to stop apologizing for not writing posts that a directly weight loss related.  I read your blogs and love the posts about your life and the times that I have written about non-weight loss related "stuff" it was very therapeutic!  So as for me right now, I have been extremely stressed because due to something I overlooked, I have roughly a $20K balance for medical school that I cannot have covered by federal financial aid.  I won't go into all the boring details but needless to say...I'M STRESSED!  That is probably the most extreme understatement I have ever made.  I'm trying to research ways I can come up with extra money - and I had no idea some people make GOOD money blogging!  Ha!  After a little research I realize that is not the answer to my prayers because I don't have the dedication that I would need but it was interesting information nonetheless, and makes me want to support those who do earn supplemental income via blogging.  There is always an honest way to make an extra buck!  God has taught me a lot through this situation and I believe he is going to show favor upon me and help me to work everything out.  Well...yes, I am stressed and for once in my life I have lost my appetite.  I got on the scale this morning after essentially not doing anything for the past 1-2 weeks...and I'm DOWN 2 lbs!  Not the healthy thing, so I am going to work out a bit tonight after all if I continue to do that, I'm losing muscle and fat - definitely not going to give me the figure I'm after!

Anyways, that's what is going on in my life right now.  I am almost to a big landmark at which time I will return to posting weigh-ins.  So that not all is lost in this post....here is a non-scale victory that I accomplished:

25 consecutive, no breaks, MAN style push ups in a row!  

Now that I have been away from working out for a bit, I hope that I can still do that!  :-)

Slave to hair....SEWED SOME IN!

Ya'll have heard me talk about how "we" - both African American women and WOMEN in general of all races will alter our physical activity based on our hair!  I've read about the Brazilian Keratin Treatment (BKT) craze in one of the zillions of mags I read - one woman wrote about her experience.  How after having it done, you cannot get it wet for 4 days, no showering, no swimming, and....YEP no sweating!  This was a white woman, so its not just "us."  Before relaxing my hair I won't workout for the prior 2-3 days because increased blood flow to the scalp can make the experience less than pleasant....okay, okay, I'll just come out and say it - it'll BURN!  Lately I've been rollersetting my hair each weekend.  I swear, whenever I do it, I feel so beautiful, my hair is so soft and bouncy.  Then I consider going to the gym.  I usually say....lemme just HAVE the weekend (I do my hair Friday or Saturday) then the curls stay intact.  Monday rolls around and I say "Oooh my hair looks good still"  so I won't go!  I am in the process of growing my hair out.  Its almost back to the longest I've ever been able to grow it (which is between APL & BSL for those on hair boards/forums) back in my early 20's - and it was WORK then - and so far I am in love with it!  However, lately I've been feeling like its taking over my life!  At night, I debate how I'm going to wear it the next day...I carefully moisturize and place it in plaits, rollers or pincurls.  If the style is cute, I don't wanna work out the next day!  Then if I do....my scalp is sweaty and after 2-3 days it becomes itchy so I wash it.  For those who are not aware, typically black women don't wash their hair as frequently as women of other races because our hair is drier by nature.  So at best I'm wearing a style for THREE DAYS and lord knows I don't have the time or patience to rollerset mid-week!  I wasn't like this when I first started either journey (hair or weight loss) seems like it was easier.  Maybe because my hair was shorter?  IDK because I think longer hair is easier.  At least I can do a bun/ponytail and look presentable now.  I think maybe its because now that its longer, I love wearing it out! 

Anywhoooo, I'm just ranting about how I felt.  And I wanted a change for the fall.  So....I sewed some hair in!  That's right I pulled out my "bin o' hair" found some Virgin Indian Hair I bought a couple years ago but never used, did a lil research and installed it myself!  Normally I have a stylist do it, but it was such a spur of the moment thing plus I don't know who I trust to do it here (in my current city), and it's EXPENSIVE!  I'm sure with working out it won't last me the 3 months I normally keep it in, but only 6-8 weeks.  I've done weaves on other people many times - and they always look FIYAH if I do say so myself.  So I decided to do it myself!  I do need some practice I will admit but the finished product is gawwww-geous, and I feel free to workout as much as I want! 

Save $$$ - Use the Library!

Hello Everyone!  I'm back on the losing side of things.  I looked back and realized I didn't lose ANYTHING all freakin' summer.  Smh.  I didn't gain what I'd lost back however....that just is not enough.  160+ lbs on my 5'3" frame just will not work.  Plus, I'd stopped working out to get my schedule re-adjusted, so while I was maintaining my weight I was gaining inches (and body fat also I'd imagine) which made my body look a lot "phluffier!"  So rather than to blog about how I was NOT losing, I just decided to chill - refocus and revamp.  And yes, I'm losing again! I will post a weigh in when I hit my mini-milestone, which should be soon...

Anyways - as you may remember I canceled my Comcast services.  No cable, internet or home phone.  I was using my cell to get online and going to my local library to study and use the internet as well.  When I signed up for my library card, the gentleman explained the features of the website and about checking items out:  CDs, DVDs, Audiobooks and regular books.  I browsed some of the DVDs just for fun and was amazed to see seasons of Grey's Anatomy and The Cosby Show (the greatest sitcom of ALL times) available.  Out of curiosity...I looked up some other shows that I followed closely at some point, but had lost track of over the years and they had Soul Food:  The Series and I was ecstatic!  Having these shows available to check out by entire seasons at a time really helped me go without cable!

One day while studying there I decided to browse through the non-fiction because I was looking for the Christian-inspiration section.  Amongst the shelves was a full health, diet and fitness section!  I thought OMGoodness, wow!  I bee-lined to the electronic card catalog and looked up Jillian Michaels, and wah-la - not only were her books available, but also all her DVDs as well as the Biggest Loser workouts!!!  My best friend recently bought a couple of belly-dance workouts and I decided to see if they had any available.  YUP!  The new JM Dvd that LeeLee reviewed?  YUP!  Cookbooks?  YUP!  In my city, there are different locations but they are linked so that you can request material from any of the city's locations and pick it up at your local branch.  I couldn't believe I had slept on library checkouts for so long!  Talk about saving money!  Most times we can copy recipes we want to try out of a cookbook or write them down.  DVDs are a great thing to get from your library because you can constantly change your workout to avoid boredom.  You can try something new to see if you like it without spending any cash.  So check out your local library, especially if you are near a city because I can almost guarantee they will have something you find useful!

Ups, Downs....and a death.

I had some awesome results from my 30 day shred challenge.  I lost 6 lbs in 30 days and that was while NOT being strict.  I have been meaning to do an amazing update about my feelings on the shred, my successes and struggles while doing it, and before and after pics.  However....life had a different plan.  I have a large and VERY close knit family - and unfortunately (for us) God called my uncle home.  I have been mourning and going through with that.  Please pray for my family and I.  I do not want to disclose any details surrounding the situation, but he was 75 and truly lived a full life.  I was blessed to have known him and to have been a part of his life.

Also, I took  my USMLE Step I examination WOOT WOOT!  So.....before that needless to say, I was underground studying!  No seriously....I canceled my Comcast services (cable, phone internet) in effort to focus more.  I use my Verizon Smartphone to get online at home now-a-days.  I never would've thought I would be disciplined enough to make that kind of sacrifice but I did it, and it did help me to stay on task.  I'm not sure that I feel like adding that bill back on now that I know I can survive without it.

With me grieving and studying let me just say.....I'd be surprised if I haven't gained every one of those 6 pounds back.  I'm not getting on the scale for a couple of weeks, but I am trying to get back into my routine.  I'll be catching up on your blogs for the next few days, hopefully everything with everyone has been GOOOOOOOOOOOD!

Weekend in Memphis!

Hello Everyone!  I pray you are all doing very well!  This weekend an old friend was within a 3-4 hour drive of where I reside and called me out of the blue and asked if I'd come for a weekend visit.  Initially my response was the same ole automatic monotone "I don't have the time, I have to study, and I don't have the money"  His response was...."I'm sure you could use a break knowing your work ethic, you'll be rejuvenated and just get here and I will take care of the rest."  My friends all encouraged me to go (those who are also in med school and those who aren't) so I did something completely out of character and acted spontaneously!  I packed my weekend bag and hopped in the car the very next day!  I'd been saying I need to visit all the nearby cities (Nashville, Atlanta, Memphis) anyway while I am living here, and this was the perfect opportunity.  I had a ball!  My friend is always great company, is the perfect gentleman, and absolutely did take care of everything....including the entertainment plans.  At the risk of setting the feminist movement back a few years....ladies, isn't it nice to have a man (platonic or romantic) take charge and all you have to do is sit back and follow his lead?  Well, I thought it was nice!  We visited Beale Street, drove by Graceland and the Stax Museum, saw the movie Inception (which was incredibly good) and went to the National Civil Rights Museum.  The NCRM was incredible....I think it is definitely something every single person should see at one point in their life.  I admit ignorance when it comes to history:  both American and Black, I'm no where near as knowledgeable as I should be due to lack of emphasis on this subject in high school and lack of requirements while in college.  I learned a great deal and found myself getting extremely emotional by some of the exhibits and documentaries.

Now about the food....I swear living in the south makes you fat.  I've said it ever since I moved here.  We went to Neely's BBQ, as Memphis is known for its BBQ and as I studied the menu I was appalled.  All of the dishes came with the option of 2 sides but not ONE of them was a vegetable!  French fries, potato salad, baked beans, and BBQ spaghetti.  Simply sad.  I should be getting a new phone soon (my current one is a good for nothing PDA phone that doesn't work well at all) and like Ro I will be able to take food pics.  I wish I had it this weekend to SHOW ya'll these plates in Memphis!  I did take somewhat of a "diet-free" weekend, but still....since I've been stressing that this time I'm all about a lifelong change, that's not to say I didn't make any healthy choices or that I didn't want to eat anything healthy for the entire weekend!  I remarked about the menu and lack of vegetables to my friend and he shook his head and said "always the doctor!"  which I thought was an awesome compliment!  I DO want to be a physician who practices what she preaches!  I drank nothing but water all weekend (plain...I didn't even bring my beloved Crystal Light with me) and did some tricep dips with a chair, pushups, situps, and squats in my hotel room on Saturday.  When I got on the scale this morning I was pleasantly surprised that I hadn't gained anything!  I didn't lose...but I didn't gain and that proves it is possible to go on vacation enjoy myself, indulge a little and still stay on track.

My friend always thinks I'm overboard with worrying about managing my weight and he kept saying YOU DON'T HAVE A WEIGHT PROBLEM!  Now...I don't know if he is genuinely confused about why I seems so concerned or if he is just trying to be "polite" and disagree with me, regardless of whether he agrees or not.  I got sick of him acting as if I have self-image issues and showed him a few "before" pics from the beginning of the year and he actually was like "Oh...yeah....you were a little bigger."  Thank you for validation in what I was trying to already tell you!  Seems like guys don't believe me when I stress that I am a woman who has to "watch" what they eat and constantly try to encourage me to make bad choices in effort to show that they are pleased with my body and size as is.  This has happened to me numerous times, and it is quite frustrating.  Appreciating my body and looks is one thing, however sabotaging my efforts to live a healthy lifestyle is another thing completely.  I refuse to allow anyone - friends, family, romantic interests, church members be an enabler or sabotager.  I know what my goals are and what my agenda is and I'm going to stick to it!

I will be posting the results of my 30 day shred next week so be on the lookout for that!

Worthy of America's Funniest Home Videos!

I hadn't planned on blogging today at all. So this will definitely be a quick one.  Last night I went to the gym, rather late I may add and said "Okay....let's attempt to run for 10 minutes."  I surprised myself by making it to 5 minutes!!!  Two minutes longer than my previous "best" effort!  Very nice, but still short of my goal.  I said okay I am going to walk at a high incline for another 15 minutes then do some stair climbing and abs for a total workout time of about 40 minutes or so.  Well, I finished up my 20 minutes on the treadmill and the machine goes into cooldown mode.  I hit the "stop" button, hopped off and went to get the sanitary spray and paper towels to wipe down the machine.  I step back onto the treadmill, at which point I realize it is still moving!!!!!!!  I fall to the side and it throws me off the back into the wall directly behind it.  I say "OH MY GOD!" and just stare at the blasted thing.  Evidently hitting stop during the cool down just prompts the machine to display the workout summary.  It doesn't actually turn the thing off!  Now...this lady beside me walking at all of 3.2 mph doesn't even break stride or blink.  The lady on the elliptical in front of me turns around and says (trying to hold in her smile) "OH MY, ARE YOU OKAY?!"  I get up, say "I didn't realize the machine was still on", and notice her surpressed smile.  "Thank you for asking if I was okay before laughing, but its okay....I realize that had to be funny."  She then lets loose a wail of laughter and says "I'm glad you're okay."  I glance at the woman beside me and I'm still amazed she hasn't said a word...but whatever. 

I then promptly texted my trainer and said - this is all your fault!  You and your "go hard, every time!"  He asked if I was okay...then told me to try the 10 minutes again at a lower speed.  SMH.  Forever the trainer!  lol.

So this weekend I'm going away to a nearby city.  Its totally spontaneous and out of character for me to do something this last minute but hey....I need a break.  Normally I immediately turn-down something like this but I was just complaining to my friends and family about burnout and this is just what the doctor ordered!  I am so excited.  I need a break, time away, a weekend to party!  And party I will do!  I will have to post pics of my outfits!!!!  YESSSSSS!

My "best" isn't your best

So...while working out with my trainer (who've I developed a deep personal relationship with) on Monday....I nearly died.  See, what had happened was....last week I was so swamped.  I volunteered to teach the teen group at Vacation Bible School, and add that to my school responsibilities, I was exhausted.  Translation: worked out very little.  So I was totally prepared to "struggle" on Monday...although I wasn't prepared to be quite that bad.  Anyways, he was getting really frustrated with me and at one point said "Look, Princess, just shuttup and do it.  No more talking, no more excuses.  Damn.......if you would just do the shit, we could've moved on by now."  So now, I'm jogging AND I'M PISSED!  How dare he get an attitude with me when I'm doing my best?!?!  Of course, now I'm panting so hard that I can't express my indignation but I held onto it until the workout was done.

"I'm trying!!!!" I exclaimed as soon as I could breath somewhat normally  "I'm doing my best and you never EVER give me any praise.  I have ONE bad week where I slack off and you don't remember all the other times I did awesome!"

"Your best isn't really the best you can do.  Your best is what your mind, not your body tells you is good enough.  I know you can do so much more...I know your capabilities by now."

Of course this made me stop and think....I probably do sell myself a little short.  In my head running for 3 minutes is good enough because previously I only ran 1-2 minutes at a time.  Although I probably could make it to 5 minutes, I accept going further than last time as good enough although I probably could do even better. 

He continued after a moment and said "Your 'best' isn't good enough....because I know it isn't really your best."

Well....I can't necessarily argue with him.  Now I'm out to change my mindset.  I need to stop having a good/hard workout only once in a while and give it 110% each and every time.  I need to stop accepting having done a workout as good enough and go HARD everytime, pushing my body beyond my comfort zone.  Is this necessary for everyone to do?  Of course not.  But when I first talked to him about my goals, I told him that's the type of person I wanted to be.  I want to be a FITNESS person, an athlete, someone who works out....not just exercises.  And God help me....I will be.  Operation MIND OVERALL in effect.  First goal, run for 10 minutes without stopping. 

Am I missing that gene?

I'm not sure what it is that I am missing - maybe my "fat gene" replaced my "I love to workout" gene, I don't know but working out still isn't FUN for me yet!  I find myself thinking about it constantly...what am I going to do today, and if not what then when.  I've fallen off the bandwagon of doing it first thing in the morning so more times than not lately I'm up at 1 a.m. poppin' in a DVD.  I feel GREAT when I finish, but getting the motivation to get started is the difficult part for me.  I'm glad that I'm still going and so thankful each time I look in the mirror that things have elongated and flattened since the start of my journey.  But then I see things that should be further along due to my lack of discipline and I get a little frustrated with myself.  I keep reminding myself that my original goal was to go back home for the holidays at a svelte 140 lbs or less.  So with half a year gone, I essentially have 20 lbs to lose by Thanksgiving.  Doable, realistic, and a healthy goal.  That being said, I have to keep finding ways to make it FUN for me.  This week it came in the form of a well spent $2 at K-mart.  A HULA HOOP!  Man, I used to love my purple and white hula hoop as a child (although I was never very good at it).  And its summer - what says summer fun more than a good hula?  So I randomly stop what I'm doing throughout the day (study break, cleaning break) to hula for about 5 minutes.  I can do it while squatting, on one foot, rocking....all kinds of ways to work different muscle groups, burn a few calories and have a little fun.  I've also used it as my warm up (because I HATE the warmups on my Firm DVDs).  Check me out ya'll......


Fun with Hula Hoop from PhluffyPrincess on Vimeo.

What are some secrets you have for making working out fun? 

Swim PAR-TAY!!!

Everyone knows that when adults throw a cookout/swim/pool party - its not actually about swimming.  It's about lookin cute in your bathing suit, dancin' to the music, and in my case a lil' flirting!!!!  I had one to attend yesterday and decided to pull out a 2-piece bathing suit, just to try on.  Not that I am anywhere near where I want to be, but I do see changes in my body....and I also see people with bodies a lot "worse" (meaning more % of body fat, higher BMI, weigh more, whatever you interpret that to mean) than mine rockin' 2-piece bathing suits with CONFIDENCE.  I figured....summer is half-way over, I wanna be cute and I have made some progress.  So, I whipped out one of my older swimsuits (in a size L) and tried it on.  To my surprise, it didn't look half bad!!!!

I threw my hair in a ponytail - then a fake ponytail on top of that ☺(gotta add some sexy, right?!), picked out some accessories, sunglasses and sunscreen of course and went to that party strutting my stuff honey!!!  I've been swimming in my apartment complex a lot this summer so far and love the brown-bronzed tone of my arms, legs and back.....however after seeing that I can rock a 2-piece and not look half bad, I've decided that I will definitely be wearing this suit much more often and getting some sun on my stomach too!!!!  I look at these pictures and I'm encouraged to keep moving!!!! Summer's not over - I can do at LEAST another 10 lbs before the pool is closed for the year.  I will post another one sometime in September I think.....but ya'll let me tell ya, I haven't worn this swimsuit since 2007.  And even though I have more work to do, when I looked in the mirror - I FELT GOOOOOOOOD!

A Hard Lesson Learned 17 years later!

I had a workout today with my trainer.  I haven't seen him in a couple of weeks, although I've been keeping up with my 30 Day Shred for the most part.  Over the weekend, I kept feeling a little nauseous and just not 100%.  Today I started my monthly cycle.  Hello cramps, thanks for visiting and reminding me I am female.  I am one of the lucky ones though because I only get "bad" cramps every few months or so.  Sometimes I have literally painless cycles.  Well JULY is one of those BAD months.  All day I felt ill, sore, crampy, and cranky.  Fast forward to this afternoon. The trainer had me on the stairstepper.  OH MY WORD, I felt like I was going to fall off the bottom at any given time.  My throat was dry yet my mouth was filled with icky saliva.  I felt like I needed to bend over to help alleviate my cramps, but of course then I would have fallen off the machine and injured myself.  After a 3 minute interval, it was onto squats and other fun exercises.  I was PITIFUL today.  I had heard that exercise can sometimes help cramps, but not in this case.  Whenever I have a "bad" month, I'm going to relax the first day or so of my cycle.  After 17 years of this ritual, I just learned something new about myself and my body.  I'm going to sit here with my heating pad, read blogs and watch bad tv for the rest of the evening.  No studying tonight!

Oh, how are you all enjoying this heat?!  Where I am its been in the very upper 90s/lower 100s.  Its helpful to make me drink more water! 

Point me please! Back to WW!

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been contemplating returning to the Weight Watchers program for quite some time.  One because it works - not only in the sense that there are people who've done it with success, but I have also done it previously with tremendous success.  Two - because I'm not holding myself accountable any longer with the Fat Smash Diet.  I'm just kind've winging it, and I am consistently eating poorly.  Three - because I am ready to be able to EAT WHATEVER I WANT....just in moderation and with accountability!

Last night I went into my kitchen drawer and dug out all of my WW materials.  I have the pamplets for weeks 1-12, the Getting Started, Dining Out Companion, AND the Complete Food Companion.  Some are outdated as some restaurant's menus have changed and there are a ton of new products that have come out, but I also found THREE point finder sliders and my activity points tracker.  So I am all set.

As I looked through my materials, I got really sad and disgusted with myself.  I looked at my membership books with my weekly weigh ins....and noticed star after star and loss after loss.  I found my Lifetime Membership booklets - yes I am a Lifetime Member.  And I looked where I attempted to return after regaining 10 lbs (145 lbs) in March of 2007.  The 145 lb entry was the ONLY one in my new book!  I even got teary eyed thinking to myself "HOW DID I LET MYSELF RETURN TO THIS SIZE?!"  I've already lost over 10 lbs, why didn't I keep going when I was only 145?!  WHY WHY WHY?!  

I didn't dismiss those feeling, nor did I immediately tell myself to move on, or that its okay because I am losing now.  I allowed (almost forced) myself to feel it.  Absorb the shame, disappointment, disgust, frustration - all of that.  I want to remember how I feel and how difficult it has been to lose the weight a second time so that there will not be a third.  I'm not angry with myself, but just severely disappointed.  I can and will do better - this is another reminder that I will never return to this size and weight again.

So as I was experiencing all these emotions, I decided I am back to the point system.  I realize that some things have changed since the 5 years I have done the program.  But I will be doing it the way I was "taught."  I am allowed a measly 22 points per day plus 35 "flex" points per week to be used in any way I see fit.  Daily, I am to consume:  5 servings of fruits/veggies, 6 glasses of water minimally, 2 "healthy" fats, 2 daily servings.  AND I AM TO TRACK MY POINTS!  The most important part for me!

Also, I will be incorporating some things I've learned over the past few months from you guys!  I will be limiting salt and processed foods and continue to exercise regularly.  I will not be utilizing the "activity" points.  I don't like the idea of eating more because I've exercised.  I understand the theory behind it, but at this point, I am not in agreeance with it for me.  I also will be relying on my HEAD to guide me not just the points.  I have learned what leaner types of meat are, how to eliminate added fat to my cooking, and how much sodium I should consume daily.  

Today was my first day.

• Breakfast:  Kroger Sugar Flakes (3 pts) and 1 c Cantaloupe (1 pt)
• Lunch:  Subway 6" Ham & Cheese (10 pts), Light Chips (1 pt), Diet Dr. Pepper (0 pts)
• Dinner:  Steamed Shrimp and Veggies with A1 Cajan Marinade (2 pts), Homemade Caesar Salad with Light Dressing, No croutons or cheese (2 pts)
• Snacks:  Grapes (2 pts), Subway Chocolate Chip Cookie (4 pts)

Total:  24 points
2 Healthy Fats ☑
5 Fruits/Veggies ☑
6 cups of Water ☑
2 Servings of Dairy ☑
30 Day Shred ☑


I learned from my first bout that going below by a couple of points is okay as long as I don't go below 20 points.  Sometimes I would go as low as 18 which is still okay, but not great.  However, as you can see, I had a fabulous first day ending up with 24 total points! 

I have a couple of BBQ's that I am going to this weekend.  I am making cucumber salad for both.  I hope there is enough "healthy" side dishes at each.  I'm so focused!

I am happy that I am eating well again.  I am happy that I am committed to a program again.  I am happy that I am losing weight - lol - okay...so that may be a little premature but I AM CLAIMING IT IN ADVANCE!  WOOT WOOT!

Thanks for the Love!!! Awards!

In case you guys haven't noticed....I am bad about receiving awards.  I am ALWAYS so freakin' tickled and touched when I receive one...but I didn't even learn how to add pictures to the sidebar of my blog until weeks after I received my first one!  So - if I don't follow the "rules" right away, please just give me a pass.  I am going to try to get better at it because I really do enjoy reading the "unknown" facts you all share in your posts.  Furthermore, I am always SO touched when you mention me in your blogs!

Now onto business...I received the "Beautiful Blogger" award from my girlie Pam at The Rest of the Journey a couple weeks ago.  Thanks so much Pam!  I was so super touched by what you said about me!  Okay for this award here are the instructions:  Tell you seven things about me that you might not know, and then pass it on to seven other bloggers.....

1. I absolutely love eating sunflower seeds.  Not the shelled kind. The roasted and SALTY ones you shake in yout hand, suck on before cracking with your teeth and have to spit out the shell.  As you all know I am addicted to salt, but not only that - I find the activity of shake, suck, crack, spit, chew somewhat therapeutic.  I used to eat a large bag per day....people from my childhood and college years still ask if I eat sunflower seeds (I was known for carrying a cup or ziploc baggie for the discarded shells) which I do.  But only once in a while.  When I did WW a few years ago...it broke me of my daily habit.  Plus its unbecoming of a lady....as my mom told me every single day.
2. I have always wanted to be on a game show.  I love watching them, participating at home and when the contestants lose I shout "I would've picked case number 4, Howie" or "John, I knew what the number one answer was....I would've WON fast money!"
3. This weight loss journey + blogging world has inspired me to write a book.  As you know I will be a physician in TWO YEARS!  I've always been dedicated to preventive medicine and I like to hustle.  You know, do something besides your main form of employment to earn income.  So I've always said I wanted to be "Dr. Princess" and have a column in a mag where people can write and ask their medical questions.  And trust me, that dream WILL happen one day!  But...this journey has inspired me to incorporate spiritual, mental and physical health.  I've been taking personal notes along the way and already know a couple of people I plan to ask to be contributing authors.  Whenever I do it, which won't be for SOME YEARS yet....I will let you guys know and probably send all of my original followers a free copy - after all you were my inspiration!  *Sidebar....I can't wait to be done school*
4. I love karaoke!  I can hold a note but I am definitely not a SANGER, but it doesn't stop me from getting up there, belting out New Attitude and kickin' off my shoes in true Patti LaBelle fashion!
5. I do not keep my hair in the same style for longer than a week.  I do it myself as you know, and between swimming, working out and my personal style I get bored if it is styled the same for longer than that.  
6. I have beauty addictions - nail polishes, makeup, hair accessories, skincare products.  You name it - I love it and have a full collection.
7. I also have a magazine addiction - I read magazines as if I'm being paid.  Not one in particular....but ALL!  lol.  Fashion, Hair, Beauty, Combination, Health, Organization, Craft, Shopping, Cooking, Black, White, Latina & I've even purchased a few bridal ones just for fun!  I clip the articles of great interest and then throw the rest away every 3 months or so.  I love pouring over the fashion pages, getting new inspirations for outfits, hairstyles, makeup looks, recipes, workout ideas, etc. 

I also received a "Sugar Doll" award from Trina at MeSoHongry today.  Thanks girlie!  Trina's little known facts are so hilarious.  Hers specified to share 10 things about yourself that your readers may not know.  I will continue on the above list, even though it will start counting over...lol.

1. I'm an extremely talkative and outgoing person.  In every school I've ever attended I won the Most Talkative Superlative.  I've accepted it and I love me anyway!  LOL. 
2. I would love to have been born in an era where people "dressed" for dinner.  I love getting prettied up and girly for an occasion and hate that right now, I don't do anything regularly to get pretty for! 
3. Medical school has aged me.  I haven't seen any of the Twilight saga and I had absolutely no clue it was about vampires and werewolves until 3 days ago.  I find myself listening to old-school R&B and hip hop, or gospel and when I get around my little cousins....I don't know half the songs they love.  Lastly....I only had one gray hair that has been there since my teens.  Now I have about 5!!! LOL.

That's 10!  I hope I didn't bore ya'll too much!  Now the more difficult part, because many of my followers have already received this PLUS you are all beautiful bloggers! However both awards state to pass it on to 7 and 10 people respectively.

1. Lucy at Lucy's Blog
2. Susan at Susan's Journey to Stay Fit
3. Lee Lee at Crazy Riffs
4. Karen at Fitness a Journey Not a Destination
5. Corletta at Its a New Year:  No More Excuses!
6. Julie at The Accidental Fat Chick
7. Larkspur at Am I Really That Fat?

Okay so I only named 7 but...that's because I am new to giving blog awards!  Hopefully this post didn't bore you too much!

It Feels GOOD! Toot toot Tuesdays!

Trina @ MeSoHongry has started a fabulous thing with TOOT TOOT TUESDAYS!  Click on the link for details, and hopefully you all will participate!

As you know, I haven't been the best example of weight loss for the last few weeks.  Although that IS currently changing!  However, it doesn't negate the fact that I do have some accomplishments and things to toot about!  I started off the year wearing a TIGHTTTTT size 14 and size large everything.  Some XL.  But recently I went shopping and bought some clothes...check em out!

Pardon the wrinkles...they were in the car for a while as I ran other errands.  I spent so little on these clothes its ridiculous.  BUT THE IMPORTANT THING IS CHECK THE SIZES!!!!!!!

This is my first pair of shorts (other than those short style capris) since elementary school.  Yes....elementary.  I've always been self-conscious about the way my thighs looked in shorts.  So I've opted for sundresses, skirts and capris.  However even though I am not at my goal of a size 6 or 8, my thighs are considerably tighter and more toned than I ever remember them being in my entire life!  And....I look great in these shorts!  Throw on a pair of heels and watch out boysssss!!!!  lol.  Isn't it great when shopping is FUN again?!

In addition to my "feel good" shopping....I've had some exercise progress as well.  At the start of the year, I could not run up a set of stairs, I got winded just walking briskly on the treadmill, could barely do a set of ten push-ups "girly" style and now....

• I've run for over 3 minutes at speed of 5.0
• I walk briskly at an incline of at least 8.0+
• I can do 15 "man" style push-ups

I'm proud of my progress and yes indeed I am TOOTING about it!

Fitness...or Hair?

Today I attended a wedding of one of the ladies from my Woman's Bible Study Group.  I love weddings.  They always make me so happy and excited for the couple uniting in Holy Matrimony.  I'm at the age where everybody seems to  be getting married or announcing engagements, and sometimes it's exhausting - not to mention expensive; but I every single ceremony I feel blessed to have witnessed the couple's union.  Today was no different.

However...I set my hair on flexirods.  For those who don't know what those are, they are the long (usually 12") foam flexible, bendable rods (come in variable sizes) that can be used to curl or spiral your hair. I used them on freshly washed, wet hair and got these results (and for fun I included the outfit...all of which is in a size MEDIUM!!!!):

Well...I loved it!  It took me about 45 minutes or so to rod, 1 hour under the dryer and another couple of hours of airdrying (while I did my nails and feet) to complete.  Then...I removed most of the rods and pinned the curls up into place and slept carefully.  MOST Black women at one point or another in life have slept "carefully" i.e. on your forehead, in a chair, propped up by your hand, and I am no different.  I rotated between arms folded on my forehead with my chest elevated by pillows and keeping my head in the air by holding it with my arm.  Completely uncomfortable, but as you can see the curls remained intact and I felt it was all worth it as I received compliments at the wedding.  Sidebar:  I don't have the tolerance to do "careful" styles very often and best believe after the wedding I piled those bad boys on the top of my hair, slapped a bonnet on and laid down like a normal person!  But on occasion I do return to "careful" sleeping for special occasions like this one.

Anyway...I'm digressing.  After the wedding, I already began thinking of what workouts I would do where I could preserve my beloved curls for at least 3 days!  Before embarking on this journey...this would constitute me to NOT workout until I changed my hair.  Yes...I was one of those Black women who would put hair before fitness.  I'm proud of the fact that I no longer do that as much, but every once in a while that old person who values a hairstyle so much resurfaces.  A HAIRSTYLE, one that can be replicated, redone, recreated as many times as I like will come before WORKING OUT, something that has to be done regularly to be maintained.  How ironic and moreover silly is that???  If you Google "Reasons Black Women Don't Exercise" the #1 reason is hair.  Harvard University even conducted a study that concluded this...its not just an urban legend.

I'm really proud of myself because I forced myself to NOT be that woman, but rather to be a woman who focuses on overall appearance and health...not just hair.  So as much as I didn't want to - I placed a hairnet on my hair to keep the curls gathered and got busy with Jillian Michaels.  Today I will do the same as well as jump some rope.

Who can relate to what I'm saying?  If not hair then what aesthetic thing will you put before working out?  Freshly painted toenails?  A spray tan that you don't want to streak?  What?

Do they put crack in this stuff???

Lately water intake has SO not been a problem for me.  My aunt (during her visit for my bday) brought some Crystal Light packets with her.  We were talking about how drinking our recommended amount of water daily is a challenge for us.  She said that the Crystal Light packets have really helped her.  Now....I remember giving CL a whirl years ago, probably when I was a teenager and then again when I did WW 5 years ago.  And not only did I not like the flavor, but it left a horrible aftertaste PLUS I got headaches from the aspertame.  I also tried the Lipton Iced Tea packets when they first came out with the same outcome.  So....I wasn't tempted to try it again until after she left and the box was still there.  One day I was like...hmmm....lemme give it a try and poured it into my water bottle.  *shake shake shake*

The flavor was Raspberry Green Tea and I fell in love.  I could not believe how tasty it was.  Not overpowering, not too subtle, no bad aftertaste, no resulting headaches, and it didn't taste like DIET!  I mean I love it!  I immediately went to the store and bought 2 more boxes.  I was too scared to try another flavor until I was raving about it to a couple of my friends who said "Oh yeah....I like the _____  flavor, its really good."  I started thinking....did everyone know about the "new" Crystal Light except me???  Yes, I am convinced it is a new CL, because I would have remembered anything that tastes this good!  I found it for $1.97 at Wal-Mart and went CRAZY!!!!   My favorites are the Fruit Punch and Peach/Raspberry Green Teas.  Even the Wal-Mart brand isn't bad, and it only costs $1.50/box!  I throw a couple in my purse for when I'm out and craving a DRINK....not just plain water.  I've even given a packet or two to my classmates at lunch and they love it also.  I realized I was drinking it so much that I had to make an effort to make sure that I have some regular unenhanced water as well, however.....

I do think I am addicted.  I haven't had anything to drink other than CL and plain water in weeks!!!  And regular juice or soda couldn't look less appealing to me at the moment! It can't be that good, can it?  Do they put crack in this stuff?  Who knows, but until I start seeing a negative effect on my body....I'm a Crystal Light girl forEVER! 

I promised you NUMBERS....

Another reason I love blogging is you can look back and see what worked, what didn't, and what needs to change.  I was so saddened when I looked at the past month of posts.  A bunch of excuses, goals that I fell short on, and stagnation on the scale.  Well...I can promise those types of posts are over!  I know it has to be tiring for ya'll to read that crap consistently also!  So....I said next post would be about hard core numbers and dagnabit IMMA GIVE YOU NUMBERS!

As promised, I restarted Jillian Michaels the other day, but I wasn't doing the 30-day shred, it was just one of the BL workouts on Exercise-TV....which was equally difficult.  But today I restarted the Shred.  Yes...the 30 day Shred.  Which I love anyways, but have never done for 30 days straight.  But the time has come, friends, for me to get shredded!!!!

I have taken all of my measurements and my weight for the start.  I will report these numbers again at the conclusion of my 30 days which will be on July 23rd.  I decided not to wait until a Monday...or the first.  I needed to start right NOW. 

• Weight = 161.0 lbs
• Bust = 37" (can I just say I'm happy with THAT number!!! lol)
• Chest = 31.5"
• Waist = 34"
• Hips = 41.5"
• Thighs, Right = 23", Left = 23"
• Calves, Right = 14", Left = 14"
• Upper Arm, Right = 13", Left = 12.75"

Now....I know some of you are sailing along in the Shred....but if there is anyone else that wants to start with me, let me know!  This isn't a challenge, but its nice knowing as Jillian is saying "this is where change happens" Miss Haneefa, Susan and Melissa are enduring it also.  Come on and join us!!!!

New plans!

I've been in a reading and commenting flurry for the past hour or so and there is too much good stuff going on with you all to mention each by blog and name.  So if I fail to credit your blog...please forgive me.  I usually try to link to the post where I gained my info or inspiration from, but since I was on a blogcation (due to my study schedule)....I had to catch up on everyone's plans.

Now one blog I read about a month ago from Annie was about how its all about her.  How she'd whine about the scale not moving, why she wasn't at her goal, etc etc...but when she really sat down and started to think about it, it was really her own fault that things weren't going well as far as the scale was concerned.  How she'd justify eating something she should resist (a second slice of cake for example) because she worked out extra hard that day.  I realized I do the exact same thing.

Pam at The Rest of the Journey recently began following the Weight Watchers plan. Her reasons were so sound.  She realized she was able to have success up until this point with just cutting back, eating cleaner, exercising and making better choices.  But to get her to the next level in weight loss she felt she needed to up her game so to speak and be a little more disciplined in her diet.  I agree for myself.  I need to do something MORE than my current diet plan.  I tried to avoid counting, weighing, measuring, writing, tracking, and adding at all costs.  BUT....if it ain't broke....don't fix it right?!  I am seriously considering revisiting Weight Watchers.  I know the plan, I am comfortable with it, it isn't as restricting as my current plan and it worked.  What is stopping me, is I want to be sure that I will be successful with MAINTAINING my weight loss.  I'm not concerned about getting there.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I will see 135 by the end of the year.  Yes, I am claiming it.  Yes, I am saying it.  Yes, I am bold, confident and sure of myself.  But the question is...at the close of 2011, 2012 will I still be seeing 135 on the scale if I return to Weight Watchers? Hmmmmm......

For those who watch the Biggest Loser, you know how someone almost willingly sends themselves off the ranch saying "I've learned what I need to do, I can do this at home" and the other contestants get upset with them and say "There is no way you've learned all you can about weight loss.  We all need to be here, there is more for us to learn."?  That is how I feel.  While I am very sure that I will lose the weight - and I will....I am not confident in my long-term maintenance abilities.  Over the past 6 weeks I've eaten fast food, gone back to my one meal a day habit, and eating way too many sweets in one sitting.  I want to have that same confidence that I KNOW when the time comes, I will be happily maintaining, not struggling with every food choice I make.  I'm not there yet.  Definitely not.

I just am ready to see success on the scale again.  Not to discount the importance on NSVs but...I need some big numbers lost on the scale to motivate me ya know?  And its not just for motivation...I need to get back to losing. This is a ridiculously long plateau...and its not even really a plateau cause I know full good and dang well I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing!  I looked back and my last few posts and I was tired and disappointed in all of the whining, the struggling, the excuses, the gains, and all of that jazz.

I'm ready for a great post with great information and great weight loss numbers.  It's summer and I'm trying to get my sexy back ya'll!  Sooooo - I'm seriously getting on with it.  This is the last "pump me up" post.  Next one will be some numbers, hard core on the scale numbers!!!!  Its do or die time....I'm bout to turn my swag on!!!! *looks in the mirror and says "wassup?!" to reflection*  

I'm currently doing the Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred along with Melissa, Susan, and Miss Haneefa (check out their blogs....look at my followers to find them).  I'm going to restart it tomorrow cause I was sick as a DOG this weekend...I had serious gastrointestinal problems, the details of which I will surely spare you!  lol.  

I'm back and have a lot to say....

I'm still in the fight for weight loss.  However, I haven't lost anything since we last "spoke."  I actually was up to 163 but now I'm back to 160.  I have been working out regularly, but not eating cleanly, healthily, dieting....whichever term you use, I have not been doing it.  I honestly believe part of the reason I've been struggling to get back on board is because I was away from my blog.  When I did WW in the past, I don't think my success was due to the plan....I think it was the accountability.  I'm an over-achiever.....so I didn't want to get on the scale and have anyone tell me I was "up" any pounds.  I wanted to show that I could do it, if to no one else but to myself, and by being weighed in weekly it kept me honest.  I appreciate you all so much for being my "lady behind the desk" and being concerned about me while gone.  I realize, that I while I can do it without you - I don't want to.  I know I will be much more successful with you.  I've missed reading your stories, encouraging and supporting you, joining your challenges, giving cyber hugs, and literally smiling so hard at the screen when you report a milestone that you've surpassed.  It is amazing how much you have come to mean to me.

Now onto some of the life type updates...

• My laptop died!  But I gave it electric shocks and brought it back to life!  That would've been a disaster of ginormous proportions!  So I'm glad I could cancel that funeral!
• My brother has been on a workout plan and has helped a young girl at church lose about 40 pounds in a little less than 4 months.  And I am jealous!  Like deep seeded jealous!  I feel he hasn't called me, supported me, encouraged me, helped me at all!  And although this young lady is 21 (and at 21 when I did WW the weight did fly offa me) and is a completely different person than I am, I can't help but feel she has taken up time that belongs to me.  And she's being doing that in other ways with my brother as well...and here is the only place I will allow myself to admit my jealousy aloud.....which feels good to let out.
• I've been concentrating a lot on my spiritual growth.  I changed churches a few months ago and have gained so much knowledge since then.  It was truly divine intervention that led me to this church where I am being provided exactly what I need.  This is partially the reason I was away from blogging.
• I met someone very nice.  I will update on that in the future if there is still something to update on at that time!  But I pray that it is something that will bring me happiness and content and not pain or hurt.  And I believe God will graciously answer that prayer.  And regardless of whether it leads to friendship or a relationship, that is enough for me!
• I am studying for boards....the MAIN reason I've been away from blogging.  Once a certain length of time goes by it feels like I have too much to say to do a "quick" blog!  So....I end up putting it off until I have more time, which of course never seemed to come!  Hence the reason I'm up at 3 a.m. typing!
• I have not and will not stop losing until I have reached my goal.  No matter whether I am blogging or not, trust me, I am in this to win this.  Whether I have setbacks, gains or losses, I am in this for life.  Never will I disappear and say....I just gave up.  No No NO NO NO!  NEVER!  20 years from now I hope to be blogging (about maintaining my loss of course) and continuing to talk about my journey.  This is for life!   135 here I come! 

In any event, I appreciate each and every one of you and will do my best to catch up on your lives, weight loss journeys, in one case pregnancy, and recoveries.  You all are definitely in my prayers....especially Tammy for a permanent position and Pam for reasons she knows.  Seriously, I mean it - I have been praying for you regardless of the length of time I've been "gone."  Now....back to the regularly scheduled weight loss!  XOXOXOXOXO!

I'm Alive!!!!

Oh gosh.....it has been WAYYYYYYYYYYY too long!  Thanks to those who left comments....I am so sorry if I caused any of you one minute of worry!  I will be back tomorrow with a REAL post!  Luv ya'll and "talk" to ya soon!

Life Happens!

Saturday I was in a fender-bender type of accident.  I was hit on the side of my car while backing out of my parking spot...which startled me and made me panic.  So what did I do?  I hit the gas instead of the brake pedal...and ram past the car to spin into a 3rd car!  *Sigh*  I felt fine afterwards but the next day my neck and back were SOOOOO stiff and sore!  Now, on Saturday...guess where I was on the way to?  Yep, the gym!  Needless to say I didn't make it that day nor Sunday.  Monday I got back to working out but was so sore during and afterwards that I decided to seek a chiropractor's care.  My diagnosis was moderate whiplash with some soft tissue inflammation.  Naturally I asked to see my x-rays and was properly amazed by seeing what my spine looks like photographically.  I could see the whiplash - which of course fasinated me!  Med students can be so corny...I tell ya!  Anyways, I've been seeing him all week and am feeling better.  He said I could continue to work out - although hesitantly, but warned me against doing anything too high impact or that strains my neck/back.  So I've done very limited ab work, no zumba classes (the jumping would get me, I'm sure) and no jumping rope.  But I've been working out EVERY day, but only for 30 minutes.  I am giving myself a pass on weight loss this week due to the stress and interruption of my regular workout schedule.  But, I'm proud that I didn't use this as an excuse to stop exercising altogether.  If you are anything like me, once you stop....its SO difficult to get back going.

Based on the location of the initial impact...it hasn't been determined whether it was my fault or not.  I am praying to receive favor in this situation.  If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, throw a prayer up on my behalf also, please!

I've stopped with the takeout but still haven't gotten back to my regular "schedule" of eating.  My aunt is visiting now (I'm disguising my blogging as studying....don't worry I am gonna study!) and my mother will be here tomorrow for.....my birthday!  YAY!!!!!  I will post some pics from tomorrow....I PROMISE!

Weigh In (week 16) & Thank you!

What a difference a good purging makes!  I feel 85% better about everything.  I am so deeply appreciative for your comments on my last post!  I didn't know if it would seem weird to others or unrelatable but thank you & reading what you had to say really helped!  I will do one short little update - the ex and I spoke one final time and he asked to come visit me.  At this point I calmly say - "our story, volumes 1 through 20 are finished.  No you may not come visit me."  Reaffirmation of God's answer to me - would I want someone who is willing to "visit" (note the quotation marks...I mean really you are gonna travel hundreds of miles to say only hi?!) a woman other than their fiance?!  Absolutely not.  Thank you Jesus!

Now back to our regularly schedule program.  I've been picking it up at the gym!  Dare I say...I am starting to like exercise?  Um...maybe not quite like, but appreciate how it makes me feel and how far I have come fitness wise!  Yesterday I did 30 minutes of intervals on the stair climber and 15 minutes on the treadmill, followed by 15 minutes of ab work.  I relaxed in the sauna afterwards - not without spritzing my hair with conditioner first (of course! lol) and as I left the gym...I felt AMAZING!  Sweaty, funky, stanky - but still so good!

I didn't eat badly yesterday but today I've gotten back to sticking to the meal plan 100%.  I won't hit my 153 goal by Friday...I have to re-evaluate the way I think about my goals.  I think in my head it goes something like this:  Let me set a really high goal and even though I doubt I will reach it...it sounds good to strive towards.  I need to really commit to my goals and realize that I can do it!  And then just go ahead and get it done!  I am still wanting 25 lbs lost by the first day of summer.  So...I am going to get this one.  The Cute as a Bunny, Beach, and personal Birthday challenges were all fails for me....I'M GOING TO GET THIS ONE!

Stats for this week:  Down 0.4 lbs to 160.0 lbs.
Goal for this week 2 lbs.  I've yet to lose 2 lbs in 1 week and its about time I experience that high!

Struggling....

I've been away from blogging for what seems like a while.  Because although I don't post daily, I usually am online reading a couple of times per day at least.  For the past couple of weeks, I've only been skimming posts or not reading at all.  So if you've posted and are missing my normal comment - forgive me.  I've really been going through a few things lately...

My most significant ex re-entered my life...and we were working towards friendship.  He constantly spoke about exploring more, but I learned that he had a girlfriend.  One thing I do NOT do is provide an outlet for men to cheat.  Not never, not ever!  I had someone do me so wrong in so many ways, that I'd never want to be the one to do that to someone else, even if I don't know her.  Anyway, he said some things that made me wonder if I should have forgiven him sooner, should allow him back into my life, if he was the one for me etc etc.  I decided to pray about it.  Man, when you need an answer from God, HE SURE gives it to you.  The next day my ex and I were casually talking on the phone and long story short he says he's engaged.  Basically....because I wasn't interested in doing anything over the past 6 months he decided he would go ahead and propose to his girlfriend.  This stunned me into hurt silence.  The impression he gave me was that he was with this woman, but it was not serious and that if I was willing to take him back...he'd be here in a flash.  Its been YEARS since I've talked to him at length.  But I am so happy I prayed about it - because God sure provide me with a clear, definite answer.  Although I was surprised and hurt - I thank God for answering so quickly.  That being said...I'm exhausted from being hurt and the revolving door of relationships.  So of course, this event made me go to the place of wondering if love, marriage and happiness is in my future.  All I can do is continue to pray about it.

This blog is not about my life, but let me just say this...for the short time I've been on this earth, I've been through SO much relationship wise.  People twice my age in marriages are surprised when I share some of my history.  So anytime I end up hurt....AGAIN....it always makes me doubt whether or not I will ever get married.  And I'd love to be one of those women who is like I don't care, if it happens it happens, marriage isn't everything....but the truth is I want marriage and I want kids.  And every time I end up hurt it takes me a long time to get over it and be open to even meeting someone new.  Like I will date casually but the thought of beginning yet another relationship just drains me to even contemplate.  So I feel that each "ending" or whatever just sets me back further.  For goodness' sake, I just started dating regularly again after my last relationship ended - and that was a year ago.  *Sigh*  Okay - enough about that.

School is also not going as smoothly as I would like.  It's hard.  It's difficult.  It's tedious....and seems never-ending.  I just cannot wait to be finished.  The fact that I attend school away from my friends and family makes it worse.  I get homesick, I miss them, I want a hug. 

I HAVE been working out regularly.  But my diet has been terrible!  It's like I just can't seem to get it back under control.  Its not always that I have high-calorie foods, its that I'm not eating 3 meals, or I am eating a lot of high carb foods, or fast food, or no fruits and veggies.  I mean its really bad!!!!  I get a little bit of success and go off the deep end!  I've got to really figure out what it is about my thought process that is causing me to slip so deeply back into my old bad habits.

 Okay....I suppose this is enough of a pity party.  But I have not spoken to anyone about all of this.  I told my BFF about the ex...she provided amazing support.  I tried talking to my mother about school....but that was a fail.  And the diet...well I haven't vented about anyone.  The problem with me is, I never show vulnerability to anyone or weakness.  I've realized this past year that when I am "having a moment" and actually express that I am struggling...nobody knows how to react!  Their response is "Oh Princess....you'll be okay, you're so strong, nothing ever bothers you...."  Sometimes I just need to cry and have someone comfort and encourage me...ya know?

Anyways...I'm sure I'll be back to my old self soon.  I've asked God to please get me through this QUICKLY so that I can continue to do what I need to do to improve my life.  Continue in school, continue to lose weight and eat healthy and continue to have faith that He will provide the desires of my heart.

Need new workout music?

I've expressed how I need to change up my workouts pretty frequently because I get bored easily.  So one way I do so is adding new music and creating a new playlist for my i-pod.  If you are anything like me, you are constantly saying "Oooh, that's a good workout song!" whenever you hear an upbeat song come on the radio.  So last night I made 2 new playlists and am eager to exercise today and try them out!!!!  Just in case you are also in need of new music I decided to share them...I know Miss Haneefa is always updating her music also.  And sidenote...I can't wait until I get a new phone and can listen to Pandora!!!!

For these playlists....I went back to the 80s and 90s....every time I hear these songs it brings up a memory!!!!

My "New Jack Swing" Playlist: (who didn't love Teddy Riley?????)

1. Candy (Cameo)
2. MotownPhilly (BoyzIIMen)
3. I Wanna Sex You Up (Color Me Badd)
4. My Perogative (Bobby Brown)
5. Don't Be Cruel (Bobby Brown)
6. Word to the Mutha (BellBivDeVoe)
7. B.B.D ((BellBivDeVoe)
8. Poison (BellBivDeVoe)
9. What About Your Friends (TLC)
10. Ain't too Proud to Beg (TLC)
11. Baby Baby Baby (TLC)
12. Iesha (Another Bad Creation)
13. I Like (Guy)
14. Feels Good (Toni Tony Tone)
15. She's Playing Hard to Get (Hi Five)
16. I Want Her (Keith Sweat)
17. Rub You the Right Way (Johnny Gill)
18. Groove Me (Guy)
19. Rump Shaker (Wreckx-n-Effect)
20. Somebody for Me (Heavy D)
21. I Wanna Be Your Man (Zapp) - cooldown/stretch

 My 90's HipHop Playlist:

1. Renee (The Lost Boyz) - warm up
2. Hip Hop Hooray (Naughty By Nauture)
3. All about the Benjamins (Puffy)
4. Let me clear my throat (DJ Clue)
5. Ladidadi (Doug E. Fresh)
6. I Ain't No Joke (Eric B & Rakim)
7. Hypnotize (Notorious B.I.G.)
8. Juicy (Notorious B.I.G.)
9. Woo-hah (Busta Rhymes)
10.  Jump Around (House of Pain)
11. Rollin with Kid n' Play (Kid-n-Play)
12. Ain't my type of Hype (Full Force)
13. The Show (Doug E. Fresh)
14. Rock the Bells (LL Cool J)
15. Money Power Respect (The Lox)
16. Push It (Salt-n-Peppa)
17. You're All I Need (Method Man feat. Mary J. Blige) - cooldown/stretch

Weigh-In (Week 15)

Up 0.6 to 160.4 lbs.  Two things:

1) Its that TOM so I am hoping I am retaining water and
2) My area had a natural disaster.  In the 3 grocery stores by my house there was no meat, dairy, produce, or frozen anything.  I had plenty of meat at home but no veggies, so I have been eating out a lot this week.  And not good stuff either...sorry to report.

I've been exercising...but I realize that the same things are not causing me to gasp for air, be sore, or fatigue me the way they did even just a month ago.  I've got to step up my intensity.  I went swimming yesterday and swam laps.  And let me just say...as fun as it was, I definitely burned some calories because I was gasping for air after each lap!!!! LOL.  Not a great week, but noting to be depressed about either....I am going to 2-a-days this week.  Two of my May goals are to exercise 400 minutes per week and to complete 10 2-a-days.  I'm going to get that crackin' this week!

Is that ME?!

I don't know about you, but whenever I am in the store - and I catch my reflection, I stop and examine.  Now, when I was my heaviest....I would purposely avoid looking at myself.  And its not only with weight.  If I was having a horrible hair day, wasn't wearing any makeup, or my skin decided to regress to my teenage years....I tried not to peek.  However if I caught my reflection, I would stop and reflect.  Now that I've started losing weight, I have been anxious to start seeing the results.  I fit my clothes differently, no question about that.  But do I see visible results....not quite yet.  I see some changes but I haven't lost enough to look in the mirror and say "WOW!" yet.  I figure part of the reason is because my mind hadn't accepted just how heavy I had become, so now that I've lost a little bit, my body is simply at the point that my mind thought I was.  LOL.

However...today I caught my reflection in the security camera at a fast food restaurant (getting a salad).  Normally - no matter what, I am disappointed with the image of myself on those things.  The color does weird things to my skin, it doesn't pick up the shine in my hair, and everyone knows the camera really does add 10 lbs!!!!  Because I am aware of those distortions, I don't even take it to heart. But - when I glanced up today, I said to myself "Oh my gosh - is that me?!"    I looked....thin!  I surreptitiously turned from side to side to make sure what I was seeing was accurate and sure enough - I looked....thin!  Not skinny, not at my goal...but improved, that's for sure!  And I got excited.  It is the first time I really noticed my weight loss aside from the just-out-of-the-shower-bathroom-bright-light scrutinizing that I do every week after my weigh ins!  Then I am usually turning from side to side examining different areas for changes - and sometimes I see them, sometimes I don't.

Today's reflection surprised and pleased me.  I walked out thinking "Yep...that is ME! And we're only going up from here." 

This Weekend: Date, Hair, Nails, & Church!

This wasn't a great weekend for me food wise.  For some odd reason I decided to celebrate my week's victorious loss with....Mexican on Friday.  And I got such a yummy meal. It was orgasmic.  Definitely not something I can have often, it was a tower of meat, tortilla, cheese sauce....but so so so good!   Then Saturday I had Subway for lunch - hello sodium, welcome back.  Then I went on a date that evening...I chose wisely but still...home-cooking is usually safer.  Nevertheless I am back on track...and still plan to lose this week.  No more celebrating until my birthday - at which I should be 153!  (that's the goal anyways....)

I painted my nails in a cheetah print pattern and I love the results.  I went on a date Saturday and wore a pair of large cheetah print earrings, cream blouse, black wide leg pants and cheetah print shoes.  I noticed the outfit fit SO NICELY!  Everything was a medium, but previously the wide leg pants fit nearly like stretch pants over my booty and thighs.  But now, they hang and go straight down, no curvature where they are adjusting to the fat thighs being shoved in them!  I looked very nice if I do say so myself.  Too bad the date was bad terrible!  The guy was SO SELF-ABSORBED!  He talked about himself, practically non-stop (I had to just interject here and there) and didn't ask me a single question.  Not one.  I mean - I talk a lot, trust me.  But if someone asks "Do you have any brothers or sisters?"  and you proceed to talk about each of your siblings in detail, their ages, what they want to be "when they grow up" and even their HAIR (one has dreadlocks like him and the sister just cut hers, toldja he talked a lot, why else would I know all of this already?!) - dontcha think you should at least return the question back to me?!?!?!?!  I mean if nothing else and you are unable to make pleasant convo, simply return the questions you are asked.  Sheesh.  I will not NEVER go out with him again, needless to say...the sad thing is - he will never know his faults.  I think he is one of those types that attracts women so frequently that he never had to develop a nice personality....not sure what his deal is, but I'm not going to be the one to straighten it out.  I kind've got that feeling when I first met him, but decided to go out and give him the benefit of the doubt.  EPIC FAIL.

But here are my nails and earrings, and my hairdo!  I had a flower clip in the side and had kind've a retro-pin up look going on in the front.  SO FREAKIN CUTE!!!!  Don't you love those days when everything is working for you?  Hair is right, skin & makeup glows, outfit is on point....well I had one of those days Saturday.  And even though the date was bad....I still liked getting prettied up.

Church was also very good.  The sermon was about God taking you through something you thought was impossible.  And when He does that for you, be sure to have landmarks and souvenirs so you can look back and remember where He brought you from and so you can testify and witness to others.  This is as the Israelites did with the stones after they crossed the Jordan river (Joshua 4:19-24).  Awesome message....God truly has brought me through many "Jordans" in my life...things I didn't think I could do, and definitely wasn't able to do on my own.

Well - that was my weekend...how was yours?

Weigh In (Week 13) & Beach Challenge Results

I CHANGED DECADES!  I wanted it SOOOOO badly for this week!  Starting May in the 150's...bye-bye 160's foreverrrrrrrr!  As for the Beach Challenge, I began at 163.4 and now I weigh 159.8 so I didn't lose the 10 anticipated pounds.  And that is OK...I still had a great month with a 3.6 lb weight loss.  And I really did give it my all - I kicked up my exercise and worked out almost everyday (except the few sick ones I had), I drank a TON of water, cut back on my sodium, found some new workouts, and stuck to my diet plan much more consistently.  So with that said...I can't be disappointed in myself!

One thing that pisses me off is I don't think my scale is 100% accurate.  I think its close, but if I get on it 10 times in a row...it will give me 10 different numbers.  I do think I weigh 159.8 because yesterday morning I weighed the same.  But...maybe I will start weighing myself at the gym in the same clothes each time....I haven't decided yet.  And maybe it isn't that big of a deal.  I mean the scale isn't WAY off - I just wish it were more consistent.

So now for this weeks reflections...I realized that my body does not lose weight easily.  I mean I worked out 14 of the last 16 days, drank nothing but water (at least 8 glasses every single day) and STILL didn't lose as much as a person who follows my plan would.  I finally recognized that I was having too many "cheat" meals & snacks mainly because I was combining the FSD with calorie counting - which for many MANY people would probably work, but not me!  I had to buckle down and stick to my plan much more closely than I had been doing - although I still had some cheat days.  Actually on Tuesday I had a double cheeseburger meal from McDonald's - my first fast food meal since 2009.  I planned on having Subway, but ended up not finishing my day until after 9 p.m. - all the Subways were closed and I was hungry enough to gnaw off my left hand.  I know that it is imperative that I do not allow myself to become that hungry, and for the most part I have prevented it from happening.  But even despite that meal - I had a great weight loss this week (for me).  So I am thinking that cutting back on salt may have been the reason for my big number.

For example, yesterday I grilled fresh chicken tenders on the George Foreman instead of having my usual Butterball processed chicken strips from the grocery store.  I seasoned them only with pepper, garlic & onion powder and left out the Seasoned Salt which would have been the first thing I added before.  They tasted so good and I stayed wayyyyyyyy under my sodium consumption for the day.  Instead of having Progresso's Lentil Soup (canned) I made my own.  Rather than having lunch meat I had a Morning Start Black Bean Burger - still a convenience item, but it had much less sodium.  It was difficult at first but I feel I am starting to find my stride with the salt reduction.  Thank God for MyDailyPlate.com though because I would not be tracking the sodium on my own!  LOL.

I loved reading your comments on yesterday's blog.  Clearly I was in "I'm going to take over the world" mode...but I meant every word!  Thanks!

May Goals & Progress Photos

May will be a great month for me.  I am hitting my stride with my eating habits and exercising.  I'm decreasing my salt intake everyday, drinking a lot of water and feeling more and more motivated as the temperature increases.  My birthday is in May....which represents a new beginning for me.  27 will be MY year.  Last year...it kicked off with my ex breaking up with me in the most unpleasant fashion.  Sounds horrible, right?  Well it was!  (although now the memory doesn't bring any negative emotions, thankfully it is just a memory).

During my 27th year of life I will reach and maintain my goal weight, exercise regularly, be an example for my friends and family, grow my hair long, eat healthy not by force but by habit, do amazingly well in school, grow spiritually and become closer to my God.   

27 is a year that I am claiming in expectation of all the great things to come.

Okay so now for my specific goals:

• Decrease my sodium consumption below 2300 mg at LEAST 5 days of the week.
• Exercise 400 minutes per week
• Complete 10 two-a-day workouts (approximately 2x per week)

Now for the comparison pictures.  After reading a post from Miss Corletta I decided to take monthly progress pictures (she will be taking them weekly).  These pics aren't quite a month apart, but I know next week I probably won't have a chance to take and upload any.  The ones on the left are from April 1st, those on the right are from this morning.  I am feeling really good about my progress - I haven't lost much weight but you can certainly see a difference, right?!

I am hoping that tomorrow's weigh in tells me I am in the 150s....that was the goal for the week!  *crosses fingers*